BOTTOMLINE...

You say you don’t want to go for the movie, you say eating out with me is not fun enough; you say you are too tired to talk! You say nothing can change, you mean, nothing will.

They say I must move on. They say there is something better in store for me. They say you don’t deserve me.

I say, what about what I want???

I know I cannot change anything, but please forgive me for doing what I have to do. I need to know that I have not left any leaf unturned, that I haven’t missed even a tiniest chance to be with you, to be there for you. As the moment of our final farewell looms ahead, I cannot help but break down. I pray and I hope like I haven’t prayed or hoped before that you will be there by my side forever. Through every victory and every failure I have missed you. I have forced myself to cross every bridge, hoping to find you on the other side. I have come a long way for you, people think it is success; it’s not, it’s utter helplessness and despair.
Please don’t think I blame you for any of these, because I don’t. I know you did what you felt was the right thing to do. I respect you for it. I am just disappointed at what life has to offer me. I try to be the best at whatever situation I am in. And the better I do, the more difficult the puzzles become. It is like an unending trial. I am tired.
It’s not that I don’t want to try anymore. I just need an incentive to carry on. I don’t know why, but you are my incentive. I don’t know what the future has in store for us, and I’ve heard that whatever happens; happens for good. Well, as I have always told others, “If you can’t change it, deal with it” it’s becoming increasingly difficult for me to deal with this situation.
Being around you, talking to you were the best times, now each moment with you reminds me of the nearing end. My brain simply refuses to believe the fact that you will not be around me within a year’s time....and that will be forever.

Bottomline: I’m not over you and I don’t know if I ever will be. But I have decided to let time take its course. If we are meant to be together, we will be. I believe I have done everything possible from my side, all I can do now, is to give you your chance...

Her Story

She was leaving. She just couldn’t accept his rejection...she wanted to run away. She wanted to run away because that’s the only thing that occurred to her. She had no other option.
They have been best friends for quite some time and they were entirely different from each other. She was impulsive, happy-go-lucky and an extrovert and he was an introvert-the kind who never had words or the need to express their feelings. He was unfathomable to her and her ardent wish was to know him, to understand him and to be the one he could depend upon.
Maybe that’s why she fell in love with him. She found her solace in his calm composure when everything in her life went haywire. He was the first one she shared her joys with because she knew he would be the one who would really be happy for her even if he didn’t show it. Her expectations from him were so low that he would actually surprise her with the tiniest things like leaving a meeting to be with her, making her have dinner, holding her hand when she leaned over to the lake to wash her feet and guarding her while crossing the street. And how could one forget the “cherry- fights” they had? He would scoop out the nuts from her desert and she could have the jelly from his. That was her perfect life. Those were the days she was the happiest, she never wanted them to end.
But they did. He started avoiding her because he wanted to avoid a confrontation. But a confrontation was inevitable. So when she told him how she felt, he said he just wanted to be friends. Foolish her, she still kept her hopes alive and continued trying to get through to him.
But finally her worst fears were realised. He told her that his feelings for her would never change.
That night she was leaving for a city nearby for a short family visit. It had been 3 days. He knew she wanted him to come and see her off. She kept looking around the bus stand expecting him to be there. Somewhere deep down she knew he wouldn’t come because she knew, to a certain extent, how his mind worked. But that night, just that only night, she wanted to prove herself wrong. And as the bus rolled out on to the main streets, she couldn’t help shedding a tear.
He gave her an ultimatum. Till date it has not sunk into her system. You’ll still find her praying into the nights that time went back to “cherry-fights”! :)

His Story...

He preferred to stay out of trouble. Diplomacy was his survival strategy. For him, being right was more important than being good. He already had learnt the lessons of life and he knew that the best way to tackle a situation was to avoid it!
The closest he ever got to a girl was being her friend. Away from his family, he was kind of comfortable with her. But within sometime he could sense the change in their relationship. He could feel she was getting a bit too dependent on him. He was not sure of what he should do. He started moving away from her, ever so cautiously. She started ignoring him, he was confused but let the situation work itself around. He expected a confrontation and he got one. She came upfront and told him that she loved him.
He fascinated about having a girlfriend, but she was not his fascination. Or maybe the timing was not right. Or was he too afraid to commit? He had thousands of reasons to reject her. And reject her he did. She was not really the self-composed lady every guy dreamt of, she would always be the friend, never the girl. He knew he’d broken her heart but he had to be right....she would understand some day.
He knew she was going away for the weekend, and he knew she wanted him to see her off. But it wasn’t right. If he showed up she might think he cared for her too. And he didn’t want to get her hopes up and then break them. He knew he had hurt her a lot. He did feel guilty but a man’s got to do what a man’s got to do. He hoped she would get over him soon, now that he had given her an ultimatum. He told her, “I don’t think my feelings for you will ever change”.
All said and done, at the end of the day, he is at peace with himself. He still believes what he had done was the right thing to do.
Epilogue: The titles of the two blogs (“His Story” and “Her Story”) were borrowed from my sister’s post but the contents are entirely different and again the situations are ideally hypothetical.
On a pensive note, if life was all about being the right one and doing the right thing how does the word “wrong” find its place in the dictionary??? Even while working with black and white, the shades of grey are inevitable.

...and the thing they call LOVE

PRELUDE: this post is not written to freak anyone out. It is just a hypothetical situation a girl might feel in certain circumstances. Any resemblance to anyone alive or dead is sincerely regretted.


Okay, so there is this guy...not the handsome stud, but a very sober boy-next-door. And I’m in love with him. Sounds pretty clichéd? Maybe, but a “me-type” girl failing to get over a guy for 15 months?...I’d call it love.
It always works the other way round for me. Guys fall for me first. And even if I do fall for someone, it’s very easy for me to get over him if he shows his indifference.
But this is different. 15 MONTHS???....i mean, come on!
I’ve been through heaven and hell for this guy. He has made me feel on the top of the world and also had me crying myself to sleep for days on end.
When I’m with him, I feel at peace. I feel as if I’m comfortably snug inside an impenetrable and indestructible sheath of air bubbles. My surroundings do not matter anymore and even if I fall from a great height, I’d bounce right back to where I was before.
His voice, his face are the most natural things for me. When I’m not with him, I feel an emptiness in my system. His presence makes me feel all powerful, drives away the confusion and corruption and has a calming effect of a sleeping draught. In a way, he completes me.....dots the ‘i’s and crosses the ‘t’s of my life.
All I want, now, is for him to feel the same about me.
For all I know, he deserves better and he might get her too. But I’m sure of the fact that no one will ever feel the way I feel for him or worship him the way I do.
I cannot even imagine myself looking beyond him. He is all that rules my world.
“love you a lot....hope one day you’ll understand how I feel”

HOPING AGAINST HOPE...

“O poor, unthinking human heart! Error will not go away. Logic and reason are slow to penetrate. We cling with both arms to false hope, refusing to believe the weightiest proof against it, embracing it with all our strength. In the end it escapes , ripping our veins and draining our heart’s blood; until regaining consciousness, we rush to fall into snares of delusion all over again”-Rabindra Nath Tagore.

Apart from being a novelist, poet, painter, socio-religious reformer and the first non-European to win a Noble Prize, Rabindra Nath Tagore, to me is a superhuman entity, who has the power to delve into your hearts and pen down the exact feelings you feel at a certain turn of life.

The above extract is the last few lines from one of his exceptional works “The Postmaster”. These lines refer to the feelings of a 13 odd years old, uneducated and orphaned village girl “Ratan” who, having lost everything , found solace in a lonely postmaster’s heart, and now that the postmaster is being transferred to a different place, Ratan can no longer constrain her emotions.

Aren’t we all “Ratan”s at least at one point of time ? Don’t we always hope to live, live to hope? We keep hoping till a point where it’s not even hope.....just meaningless fantasy. That’s what keeps most of us going. We go through a bad day hoping everything would be right the next day. We fall in and out of love, hoping, each time, ‘this is the one’. Once we fail to realize our hopes and dreams, we do not cease to exist, we simply cling on to another hope. We weave our own fantasies.....however fantastic they might be, and believe them to be true to the extent that we even tend to shroud our senses to justify our beliefs.

The ultimate example of “hoping against hope” is my mother. Being a sibling to a mentally retarded child is hard enough...but being a mother to one????....I don’t think I’d be able to stand it. But my mother could do it. I was around 9-10 years old when my brother was diagnosed with ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder). I kind of grew accustomed to the fact that my brother was different. But my mother never showed a sign as to what was going on inside her. My father tried his best to make life easy for her...but ultimately it is she who had to take care of “bhai”. We all have our own lives. I live in an entirely different world of my own....away from home. My father usually is busy with work...we both have an outlet to our frustrations. But my mother , in spite of knowing that “bhai” could never be normal, still has a little hope tucked away somewhere in her heart which keeps her going through the days.

I’m sure, there are other people in this world, who, like my mother, is hoping for a better life and living into eternity to realize it. So, never lose hope... if it’s a sunny day you are hoping for, keep hoping...if it turns out to be dark, hope for rain. ;)

The Narcissistic Self-obsession

The last thing i wanted to do is to make a blog and post this article here. So why did i do it???.....i did it because everybody is doing it these days. That’s the way i am. I try my best to mesh in with the crowd (though it’s quite difficult owing to my large size;)), and as soon as i accomplish it, i feel the urgency of getting people to notice me and appreciate me for my endeavour.
People have this “very moody cry-baby” kind of image about me. I guess they are right. I’m somebody who is rarely satisfied. I want my life to be perfect....though it is far from it....but the bright side is that i get to share it with a very unusual set of people i call “my friends”.
In spite of being born and brought up in a very traditional Bengali family, i’m far from what you can describe as a calm, composed Bengali Lady. A tomboy since childhood, i’m more comfortable around guys, which always makes me “the friend”, never “the girl”.
I’m overtly dramatic. My life, my surroundings, for me, is like a high definition 3-D screen with the people being the characters who i love to analyze. I love to have the power of knowing what a person is thinking or feeling at a given point of time. Usually people open up to me....but those who don’t, stand a challenge for me. My sole inspiration are these challenges that i need to win. I constantly live for others and i prefer living up to their expectations....that is why, maybe, defeat is very difficult for me to accept.
I have always been my family’s “li’l princess” and a pretty popular girl at school (in a very rebellious way, though). I’m very used to the affection and attention i usually get-the fact which is in no way making my college life easy. For the first time i’m away from all things bright and beautiful to a world where i get to start from scratch, and this time, on my own. Till a few days back i thought i was doing a pretty good job of it...but well, as i said, my life is never perfect....i’m back to square 1.
This was enough of an introduction, i guess, but i would not ask you to expect anything better from this blog ....the Narcissistic self-obsession of mine is difficult to wear off ;)